Vacation.With.Relaxation

I'm hit by a train! On the track! Seriously, and I am very much alive!! 

Yes, a train loaded with happiness, relaxation, rest and everything nice. (except for flowers and candies, wait, their not that nice.)

I really feel a vacation going on. So many things to do, but you don't actually plan or really mind them cause you've got all the time. I really just love everything about this year-end break. I am getting the sleep I want, I'm having the time to do the things I like, taking breaks on everything, selfishly minding MYself, taking chances and committing yourself not even in social networking sites and phone calls and SMS. Because a time for myself is a really good one to spend to. 

Every time I woke up in the morning, I don't have anything to put in my mind but what to do in that day. Smiling and humming as I set the music and listen to it. Then have a little bit of stretching and walk outside or in the treadmill. Open the curtains and letting the sun shines upon me is a great start. Then you eat your breakfast, then either you spin the music or roll on the T.V. (spinning and rolling, do not take it literally).

Then you have the coffee or hot choco at night. Star gazing, then music again, then reading literary books, watching movies, eating popcorns and all. I just love to be at home you know. (Yeah, I'm getting lazy now).

So that;s my life after the end of the school this year. Moments you really will treasure and for sure you won't forget for these are the days that you really feel unstressed and not committed to the horror of the college life. :)

Sorry is not enough for this Apology

I overdo everything. And I am responsible for all of it. It took me a while to grasp everything infront of me. Surprisingly, never did see. I’m unprepared and my shield was nowhere to be found and I am open to any offense. My one and only weapon was there to be revealed, the weapon I never have intended to show to anyone, for they will know my weakness, my limitation, my Achilles heel.


But I have nothing else to choose for. It is either to reveal it, or everything in me would be destroyed, I obliterated my own being. But I have not fully ruined my gates, cause if that would actually happen, I would be the astray, the adversary of myself, the negative of everything I put up.


For sometimes, I made decisions, an urgent one. For I haven’t seen it coming, I thought it was an obligation to put things up, but in this situation, I did it willingly, for my attacker is someone to trust to. Yes, even though I put him in much concession, he hold up and put it behind, until everything seemed to be full, he eventually throw the arrow, right through my face. But I guess, I made him feel that way.


Then, I took action to put things straight. It was all of an agreement, both sides benefited I guess. But it made through tough misunderstanding and I took the courage to finally settle it. Cause I don’t want anyone to be affected to anything that I can do if ever I was crushed by my own boomerang, missed and hit me as it goes back.


“Never compromise yourself. You’re the only one you have”. But things just got to be kidding here. It is normal for every person to take part of his instincts and hold on to it. But I never did, no pride at all, I believed everything said, for those words are to be trusted. I never know, but I have to.


I have nothing to hold now. I have opened everything, and deciding for it and answering a yes, means breaking my own pride and self-confidence. I can never blame anyone about this but myself, for I made all the mistakes at first.


So I am here, saying sorry to everyone for everything that I have done. I would say I have broken everything about myself in your perception, and I have broken a part in you. I’m really sorry for everything and thank you for understanding.

A Nostalgia of Thoughts, Feelings and Imagination

You know that feeling when you walk into a closet and you don't end up in Narnia? It's kinda irritating seeing dead ends and not talking Lions.
 

Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope…and that enables you to understand, realize and eventually laugh at all of life’s realities.


So I am, like any other person, a human being who has a secret world inside of me. No matter how dull and boring I am on the outside, inside me, I’ve all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe. And I usually hang out in that world, where everyone has to be infinite, because all is in my imagination.


I, as a typical casualty of the humanity, have been a witness to all the experience a person can actually have to coincide with life. And you can’t just face it with a dim light of ignorance, alone and numb, you versus your life, your existence, your occurrence.


So, I have been escaping all though-out without people knowing, and sometimes, even without me knowing. I tend to play in the world I thought it was authentic and true, and then all of a sudden I came to realize, I just have escaped in the place where we call reality.


That is the reason why all of a sudden, I want to be all alone. And I’ve been doing this since the day I found out of making it by mixing a dash of light, a pint of colors, a tablespoon of sweets, and a gallon of imagination. Yes, in the midst of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer. Sometimes, I just have to write all of my random thoughts in a blank page, spill all my self-professed trash. Because I just can’t take looking at me to be sad, feeling all so bad and nostalgic for the day, for at least I can feel special even in my own ways, even if others can’t see it to me.




November 28, 2010
 

I decided to walk alone and visit the world I want to live to. The road was dark and rough. Deep into that darkness peering, long I walked there, wondering, fearing, doubting, and dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. I grew bored so I drew a happy monster that I can talk to. It has tiny wings and has a little light on his head. And when I was on the end of the road, I put down my bag and made a platform from my thoughts. At that moment, I wanted to unlock myself from the chamber and say a single phrase. Without even thinking twice, with delighted eyes and a confident smile, I speak…”the show begins”.


Sometimes I find the understanding of myself relevant, even it is a futile thing for me to be aware of. Because no one and nothing can free me but my own understanding. Inside of me, I have the longing to be understood by someone who really cares, because a person who is understood can put up anything in this world. People now just have to judge one another without the frontal questions and thinking. And I’m afraid if everyone would just wouldn’t believe me, or trust me after I explain everything.


At these moments, I’m physically and mentally alone. I know that, and I don’t want to share my thought because I know, no one wants to come with me whenever I have to do whatever thing is on my mind. It has been an exclusive tour. Somebody find it hideous, ridiculous, but I find it so much fun and adventurous. Distorting reality is first and foremost, a backdoor to all the fierceness life can offer. It is the escapegoat to all the things not good, for even just in an hour, I can be the actor of my own show, the protagonist of my own world, the director of my own program, the playwright of my own production.


But I have to leave it, the limelight off, the red curtains dropping down, and as I held my breath and close my eyes, the show stops, and face the world where I am suppose to live. The world I am officially and legally belong to. The world where you face all the tests and disputes because no matter how you put it, you’re gonna fall and it’s scary as hell. Except, if there’s an upside to free falling, it’s the chance you give some other people to catch you, if there’s any.


Yes, I just have to look these things in general public, the right place for me to be. I should never underestimate the stupidity of them. I should wake up from any dreams and I have to realize from myself that I can never escape the reality; I can never overcome the truth, because the truth will always be the periods and the commas to all of my uttered sentences, phrases and words. But I’ll always leave the backdoor open, for every time I am shattered all over again, I can always escape the truth and run to the fraud, for me to cope up again, and put a happy face to everyone. To be strong and think for myself and not just to blindly follow the crowd and accept their approach. I am myself, and I can’t take the definition of others of my life, I have to define myself, cause I’m the only one who can understand myself enough, leaving me without explanations at all. But I won’t stop seeking the world I want to be, the world inside me. For this is the end and the start, the whole and the part, the best and the test in it, the doubt and the trust in it, that’s the gift and the trick of it. I am the truth and the lie of it.

“Here’s to all the places we went. And all the places we’ll go. And here’s to us, whispering again and again and again…”

Holidays never meant a vacation day for us college students at all especially for us who board. Taking some adventure with an extra delight is out of the menu because first, we have limited money to spend and we don’t know where to go actually. Unless there’s a local tour package which worth a hundred pesos and below. So a day of no classes means thinking of something to do other than reading school books and all.

But luckily we have engaged ourselves to someone who are so generous and excitement - adventure lovers. And for us, they stand as our second parents for the rest of our stay in them. So a holiday also means a day of surprise and asking questions to ourselves, “Will we go somewhere today?”

When they declared the end of Ramadan as a non-working holiday, we ended up planning the day after it for our activity for Tuesday. They actually mentioned going somewhere in Paoay ( a neighboring town) but I don’t really know the particulars. And spending the rest of the afternoon in a place they own.

We went there Tuesday afternoon and as we were going there I’m imagining something spectacular, with all those beach and special place for campsites. But as we are approaching and having some glimpse of the place, I was disappointed for myself for my assumptions never really made it to reality, because it is far more stunning, impressive and amusing. It is like one of my fantasy places coming to life, forming, arising from the land and there, voila! A terrific scene where you’ll never want to leave, but you’ll always wanted to live to.

MASINTOC, PAOAY, ILOCOS NORTE. Nature never really dissatisfies our never ending desire of dose of narcotics of beauty, real and exemplary. It doesn’t really take a long time for us to realize that we are still living in a wonderful place despite of all those industrial by-products and immoral acts of the society, for atleast, other people knows how to preserve and explore and improve the beauty we still have now. 

Brilliant colors playing along the sky, painted and tinted, the smell of the grass, reminding that, you are in temperament, the sound of the waves crashing along the stones in the shore, birds flying, spreading their wings, savoring every moment, the music of the wind as they brush through our ears, making us high, with magnificence and blissfulness. It was all ecstatic in that moment; as you close your eyes, you held your breath inhaling the fresh air.

The trip was a bit tiring especially when we were going at the top of the plateau, going to the cliff, but it was all worth it, you’ll feel self-satisfaction and achievement, delight, fulfillment, happiness, excitement and all the positive emotions mixed in a single body. 

And as the sun sets in the west, the darkness rises up in the east, a perfect view of twilight, Divided crashing along the astral. It is east = “night time and the moon”, and west = “sunset”. But that’s not all on that outing, it not just about where and when but also, it is something about who and what. Because the real treat of it comes in a group of people who craves for a thing to do, who enjoys every moment in finding an adventure, all together. Because as what I have read and believed, “what is essential is invisible to the eye”. Enjoyment and gratification make our friendships bond together, stronger and happier. So as a bonding craze, we put up a bonfire, but that’s not really the big treat, placing only third in the list, with the food treat as the second (yaay:D) and the first will be a super sudden program which just came from a for- fun performance.

 

The night came out and we all have to go and temporarily leave the place, because for us, there will never be “once is enough” because enough of it will only just be attained if it is said to be forever. We will come back, not just for the scenery but also of the bonding.:)

Trust Me, This Isn't a Lie

I live in a place where there is an imbalance between the truth and the lie, the real and the unreal, the hidden and the unhide and the ostentatious and the existent. And you can never deny the fact, that the ones we shun of is the one that weighs.


We have driven ourselves in a moral world. We believe in heaven and hell but we keep on obstructing the book of ethical code we deem into. And we tend to forget and ignore the consequences we may stumble upon. It is so dismal for us that we keep on giving prejudice on that imbalance.


LIE. The most common barricade to the norm and the “law” and is spoken in every 1,000 words coming out on your mouth. But if you thought it has to be lesser, then yours is crucial, see you in hell.


Surely, anyone who has read this has their lies in their life, hidden truths and pretentious words hiding the existence of the factual. But what I want to clarify on this is that, most of those mendacity are thrown in exchange for a better situation. (And when I wrote these bold words, I know you know what I want to evoke.)


Oftentimes, saying the unreal can start the engine, keeping the journey going but in a different direction. And it will never switch the light on, because its purpose is to lead you to anywhere else but not to the place you have to be.


And by switching a lie for a scene we want to be like, we are taking risks. Why? Because there are still two trails in can lead into: to the one we like and the “other one”. The one we like is what we think can do well and will make it the perfect sight in the eye, not hurting anyone, giving them the pleasurable lie. And that other one is so mystifying and unpredictable you don’t really know what can really happen. Maybe it will direct you to the worse, or worse, to the worst.


And the worse would come if in an instant a person is being wounded, feeling deceived and eventually betrayed. And that’s the time you knew, your hiding place isn’t working and your work of art isn’t a masterpiece at all, but a steel, exposed in open air, corroded and junked. But when the word trust is given by the person being hurt, that’s when the time you call it the worst because when that is intact in the situation and in due course, broken and wrecked, it is now hard for the person to give what it could have been easier to bestow without trusting, and that’s forgiveness.


Because in the order of the emotional conditions written down in every mind of every person, you have to put back first the trust before you can fully do the right of forgiveness. Because making the act without putting it back, that is talking shit, doing shit.


So never, ever assume something; never put trust to everything, even though the battalion keeps on throwing whatnots but plastic bags. We must keep it light, to survive and to atleast, even in the darkness, and even the ship keeps on following the northern star, we can still navigate it easier, going to the south, where we really have to be at, where we are destined to be.